Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
