I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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