I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
