Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
