Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
