There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize