Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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