we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
