I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
