Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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