i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
