Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
