There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
