Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
