wakey wakey hands off snakey
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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