I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
