I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize