She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize