I love black thongs
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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