gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
