What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
