Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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