i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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