i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
