My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
