guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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