she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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