I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize