it wasn't lemon gatorade
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
