Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize