i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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