mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
