I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
