Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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