He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i dont even know how to be here
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize