Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
either way he was missing a nipple.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
