how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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