She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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