I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
