Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
