I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
