I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
