Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize