I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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