My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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