well I can't set my house on fire every night
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize