Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
