paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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