I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
