what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
