"it" just moved
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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