My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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