First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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