you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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