Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize