I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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