You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
