Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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