I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
